Characters

Donna Lake is a middle-aged, quietly fierce department head doing her best to protect her people and her sanity in spite of corporate curveballs and the well-meaning absurdity of her staff.

Donna's intern, Milo Thimblewood, is a bundle of boundless enthusiasm and misplaced wonder. He believes every binder has a soul, every plant deserves a name, and that HR stands for “Helpful Raccoons.” Most days, he’s accompanied by his emotional support pinecone and an unshakable faith that he's helping—even when he absolutely isn’t.

No one knows what Riley’s job is, only that things change after he appears. Silent, strategic, and eerily respected, Riley is tolerated by Donna and feared by everyone else. He dismantles office hierarchies using only posture and paperclips, then vanishes—leaving behind unsettlingly accurate reports and the faint scent of existential dread.

Dash (formally Dashwell Peabody), the Supply Chain Accessioner, believes “Dash” makes him sound sleek. He is not. Frequently found wedged in filing cabinets or skidding through conference rooms, Dash solves problems by accident and fixes things by breaking them. He signs emails with a lightning bolt—with no irony whatsoever.

Floating mid-air with no visible water source, Finley is the department’s anxiety in physical form. As Safety Coordinator, he narrates every meeting like a suspense thriller and panics at candles, carpets, and casual greetings. Somehow, in real emergencies, he’s shockingly competent. The rest of the time? He’s worried you’re not worried enough.

Officially the Corporate Archivist, unofficially the department’s living lava lamp, Drew speaks slowly, moves slower, and occasionally emits philosophical wisdom that may or may not be useful. He once requested office hammocks for “workflow optimization” and still believes deadlines are “more of a suggestion than a construct.”

Compliance Officer, Keeper of Forms, Watcher of Infractions, Guardian of Clipboards, Preventer of Fun, Arbiter of Chaos Containment, Hallway Lurker with Eyes Like Legal Deadlines

Artist and emotional anchor, Claire is Donna’s best friend and scarf-based oracle. She runs a fiber arts studio out of her home, where she crafts accessories with empowering phrases and uncanny timing. Equal parts whimsical and grounded, Claire believes in forest magic and emergency soup deliveries.

Runs a rival department and treats every meeting like a high-stakes chess match that is already won. Smiles with too many teeth, gives weaponized compliments and always knows what Donna’s working on—before she tells anyone.

Forge is a corporate positivity contractor with the intensity of Bio-Freeze and the vocabulary of a middle-school track coach. He turns panic into “potential,” banners into battle cries, and breakrooms into bootcamps.

Mr. Conway the Ostrich is a senior board member who never realized the world moved on from the days when women in the office were “the girls”. He barks orders and misunderstands all technology. He’s untouchable thanks to stock and family ties, leaving Donna to quietly translate his fossilized directives into something the modern office can actually use.